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View Full Version : a few more jokes



wullboy
26-10-2012, 02:12 PM
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of
Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."


Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck
under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury
it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do
with his speed camera and motorbike

A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn't sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over,
he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it's an old sh!thouse door off a fishin' boat!

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a
mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did you say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

Fernado Torres..... Not as famous as his brother Clit

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this roody place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including
cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;
They had no idea they had a job centre!

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back ,
his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles,
that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!