BBC Guidelines for the World Cup

BBC World Cup Guidelines for commentary team.

1 -Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (Germany v Costa
Rica), the commentator must mention England.

2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have
to be mentioned within the first minute.

3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in p***ing at some
point in the match if England playArgentina.

4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be
made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.

5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be
mentioned approximately 20 times.

6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4
or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.

7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the
commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.

8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant
by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their
style, their p***ing, their haircuts and their general footballing
ability.

9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill,
Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.

10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer
to England as "we" and "us".

11 - We must ensure that nationlistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of
course, the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Ivory
Coast are fast but bad at defending, The Angolans are disorganised, The
Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because their best
players play in England.

12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players
that are playing in England. (eg -Holland v Argentina should be referred
to as Van Nistelroy v Crespo).

13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as
possible.

14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England
Expects."

15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss
of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.

16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.

17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Germany but emphasise
that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football
since 1966.

18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth
Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.

19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and
Bobby Charlton should be mentioned.

20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that
it is a m@ssive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.


And Scotland as a nation can celebrate again.